That's intense
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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