I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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