bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
