I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
