I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
