Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
this is an emotional support booty call
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
