hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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