We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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