Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
