there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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