Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize