He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
