Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
