A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
