You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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