I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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