Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
