i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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