What a fucking waste of an outfit
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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