Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
