we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
