i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
