Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
