I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
