You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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