just tell him i said nine months
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
