so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
