It's like God shit irony all over that family
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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