So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Text me some of your sweat
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
