I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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