I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize