He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
