I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
