Umm I'm too high to move.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
