it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
