Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
