So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
