It's Friday. Sex?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the condom got lost in my hair
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize