Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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