I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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