I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
