I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
