who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
