Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
