so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
