Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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