Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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