All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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