Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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