And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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