do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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