I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
