3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
