So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
