Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
