There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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