He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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