dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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